I get a lot of fan mail and comments that stem from my blog entries – upwards of once a week! Most of the comments are quite positive, but I am not the only contributor. Sometimes others write comments and emails to me. Those are often correcting, scolding or berating in nature. I’ve asked my family members not to do that anymore. Just kidding, they rarely read my entries.
One recent reader asked how I get the “inspiration” or ideas for my blog entries. I just write what the voices in my head tell me to write. These voices are often quite irrational and annoying. I may start charging them rent.
I would now like to respond to the more pertinent questions I receive along with other questions that you should be asking:
Q: Are you always so funny in real life?
A: Yes.
Q: You once wrote an entire blog about jelly beans. It was one of my favorite blogs. I actually have a jelly bean collection. Do you? How does one decide to write about jelly beans?
A: I could never collect jelly beans. They are edible candies and I would not have the willpower to collect them anywhere but in my stomach. As for why I would write about them, I feel that the jelly bean has been tread upon long enough! It does not get the respect it deserves! Someone must stand up for this underprivileged candy. After all, they may have hard exteriors, but they are soft and vulnerable on the inside, and I saw no one else taking up the cause.
Q: You have written a couple of times about the differences between men and women. Those blogs have been my favorite ones. While they are funny, you also highlight some real differences between the sexes. Do you have professional training in psychology or marriage counseling?
A: No, I have credentials that supersede the schooling, degrees and licensure of both psychologists and marriage counselors. I am a man. And as such I am qualified to speak on matters of… anything. The credential of manhood makes me qualified to speak on all things and gives me keen intuition on matters of love and the sexes. Then for a second witness, and for confidence I ask my wife if I am correct. Usually I am not, but I publish the blog anyway.
Q: I have been reading your blog since its inception at the end of 2010. When I first found your blog there were less than 100 hits. Now there are thousands of hits. Is there anyway to track your audience? Who is reading your blog and how do people find out about your blog?
A: I actually can track the audience by country. Last week there were eleven hits from Iran. Really! There were a few hits from Turkey, Russia, three hits from the United Kingdom, and some hits from a place called Canada. I think there are only two ways to find my blog: through referral sites (someone who links my blog to their blog or website), or by word of mouth. My biggest fear is that this powerful blog will fall into enemy hands and be used against America, jelly beans or even myself. Who knows if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran is one of the eleven readers from Iran? There may be, as we speak, a counter blog being covertly formed by the Taliban! Don’t be so naïve as to suppose it couldn’t happen!
Q: Have you ever gone wild boar hunting? Writing about that could be funny! Look at my picture!
A: Let me guess… Ohio?
Q: I am a faithful reader. However, you once made fun of cats. I like cats and we own four of them.
A: That’s about four cats too many! And by the way, I did not make fun of cats. I would never do that. I made fun of people who own cats. I also made fun of people who put clothing on their dogs, like doggy sweaters. That’s just wrong and should be punishable by 3-5 in the slammer.
Q: You seem to use an interesting dichotomy of statements regarding male superiority. Some statements come across as chauvinistic, but are often followed by self-deprecating statements that mock the male sex. So, which is it? Are you chauvinistic or not?
A: I refuse to answer your question, partly because I can’t understand half of the words you used. As a female you seem much wiser than I. And partly because I like to keep the women guessing – it gives me a sense of power to toy with them in this way.
Q: Do you own any guns?
A: Yes, how else could I go boar hunting?
Q: Of the two choices, in the next Presidential election would you vote for Barack Obama or the Republican nominee?
A: Oh no, I will not get sucked into a political rivalry! This is a quick way to alienate a significant percentage of my readers. Suffice it to say that I love this country and I will support the hallowed office of the President of the United States – from whichever party – as long as they oust Oklahoma from the Union.
Q: Why would you want to oust Oklahoma?
A: What have they ever given us besides a musical by the same name? It’s sizzling hot in the summer and I hear their boar hunting pales in comparison to Ohio’s boar hunting!
Q: So, you won’t answer the question about who you would vote for in the next election because you might offend some people, but you just slammed Oklahoma. What about all of your readers in Oklahoma?
A: Readers in Oklahoma? Think about that for a minute. That’s highly unlikely. Oklahoma is not an educational Mecca like Idaho where I come from.
Q: So, what has Idaho given us that makes your state so valued?
A: Have you not read my blog on the museums of Idaho? Do you not know that Bruce Willis owns a home in Idaho and that Harrison Ford lives in Jackson Hole, Wyoming which is close to Idaho? Nough said! The only reason that Idaho is so sparsely populated is that we have very high intellectual and educational standards in order to get in. The words Idaho and Intellect both start with the letter “I” and are basically synonymous. Oh, and you have to own a gun and a pickup.
Well, I hope that clears a few things up. For my readers in Iran, I welcome you to defect and come and live in Oklahoma. To you female readers, I will try to be more humble… which is hard to do when I know so much. To those who actually live in Oklahoma, I am sorry that I made fun of your state. Your mighty Sooners Football team is impressive. But really, you should still get out. And just as a warning, if I get any angry emails from Oklahomians I will be tempted to mention the Fiesta Bowl of 2007 between the Sooners and the Boise State Broncos, and I don’t think you would want to go there!
