We
live in troubling times my friend. Yes, these are times of political
woes, violence, wars, economic crisis and TV shows like the Bachelorette.
Perhaps even more concerning than all of this is the recent financial woes of
Hostess Brands Inc. On January 11, 2012, Hostess filed for Chapter 11
bankruptcy protection to confront burdensome debt and labor costs that the
Twinkies and Wonder Bread baker says have left it fighting to compete.
HOW
COULD THIS BE?!?! The Hostess web site (http://www.hostesscakes.com/) indicates
that approximately 500,000,000 Twinkies are produced each year. In
addition to Twinkies, Hostess has come up with more home runs in the form of
Ding Dongs, Cup Cakes, Zingers, and other tasty morsels made from magical
ingredients that preserve the snack cakes in pristine condition for
years. I believe Twinkies have a half-life longer than Plutonium 239.
For the record, I want the world to know that I am not personally
to blame for the financial woes of this company! I have done my share to
keep this company afloat. Yearly, I make it a goal to consume three or
four Hostess Snack Cakes… per day, and I have been known to overachieve.
How can any company that makes and sells 500,000,000 of anything be in
financial trouble? This is a catastrophe on the scale of… hmmm, words
fail me here… let’s see… SOMETHING REALLY BAD!
Without Hostess Snack Cakes around, what will convenience
stores and gas stations sell? Think about it! And if you are still
not on board with my “Save Hostess / Save the World” campaign, what I am
about to tell you should clinch the deal. The New York Times ran a story
about deep frying Twinkies. I quote from the article:
"Something magical occurs when
the pastry hits the hot oil. The creamy white vegetable shortening filling
liquefies, impregnating the sponge cake with its luscious vanilla flavor... The
cake itself softens and warms, nearly melting, contrasting with the crisp,
deep-fried crust in a buttery and suave way." ("Fry
That Twinkie, But Hold the Chips". The New York Times. 2002-05-15.
Retrieved 2012-02-08).
Sounds good to me, but wouldn’t that make the
Twinkie unhealthy!
Hostess Fruit Pies are muy delicioso (that’s Spanish for
“cost effective and nutritious). A Hostess Apple Fruit Pie only has 450
calories and is 22% fat, of which only 45% is saturated fat. Want to know
how to make that even better? Wrap it in Bacon, my friend!
Think I am getting a little ridiculous? Perhaps it
is you that has been a little short-sighted. On the hostessrecipes.com website, there are
recipes for each of the Hostess snack. There are twenty-two recipes for
Twinkies. Yup! Why just eat your Twinkie as it comes from the store
when you could have “Chocolate Twinkie Smores”? Or “Pumpkin Twinkie Dessert”
Or “No Bake Mint Magic Twinkies”?
It is time for you to step up to the plate and help save the
Hostess Snack Cakes for generations to come. I can’t do this all by
myself! Do you care about this world or not? Put your money where
your mouth is. No, better yet donate your tax refund to Hostess and put a
“Deep-fried Last Rights Twinkie Hot Dog of Death” (another magical recipe from
the website) where your mouth is!
Hostess Fruit Pies are muy delicioso (that’s Spanish for
“cost effective and nutritious). A Hostess Apple Fruit Pie only has 450
calories and is 22% fat, of which only 45% is saturated fat. Want to know
how to make that even better? Wrap it in Bacon, my friend!
It's good to see that you're back. I really appreciate what you are doing to better the awful situation that this world is in - even if it's only one delicious snack cake at a time. To demonstrate my gratitude and support for your valiant efforts, a generous donation has been made in your name to the Save Hostess/Save the World foundation. No need to thank me, just send me a box of Suzie Q's.
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